Sunday, December 26, 2010

I Don't Suffer Old Fools Gladly (the story of Christmas 2010)

The scene: dimly lit, smokefilled house from cheap cigarettes (the brown kind). It is so dark in most rooms that turning a light on is barely noticeable.

All doors must be closed at all times - this includes every interior door - and there are sometimes multiple doors to one room. Don't forget or he will follow closely behind you to shut them.

The hosts: two eighty year olds

The food: old style German - lots of lard

The decor: family trees adorn a multitude of items; knick knacks everywhere

The mood - walking on eggshells

The conversation - like being interrogated

The Technology - none; no cell phones, no computer no wi-fi signal <---- GAH!!!!

Amount of days I lasted: one and a half - after giving it a good try.

The grumpy old fool was apparently annoyed that I came home five minutes late after a walk that I had never taken (it was a big loop 3-1/2 miles) - VC and I set off and his legs got tired so he sat down for a few minutes. We arrived 5 minutes late for dinner.

The old fool who had been getting annoyed over just about everything up to that point, despite there being nothing to do but sit in smoke and listen to old stories - and songs sung in the language of his mother land -

said to me as I began eating: "you should have walked earlier. Me, it was fine (thinking he meant that earlier it would have been a more pleasant temperature) - Him, visibly pissed, "It was NOT FINE. YOU WERE LATE." Me, we got back at two. Him - it was 2:10 (it was not that late) -

I get up from the table saying "I'm done" -

I hang out in my room reading magazines and then MB decides maybe it might be a good idea to leave early and it would be a good excuse to get the hell out of there - since a winter storm is predicted- so we start packing up.

Old Codger follows me out the car to berate me some more: "You didn't realize what time you would be home." Me, "it was impossible to calculate how long A WALK I HAVE NEVER TAKEN WOULD TAKE." Him,"You couldn't call - you couldn't check the time? " Me, "no, I did not have a watch or a phone on me as I was walking" Him, "Well then you should have ASKED before you left." Then he goes on to say how much work they put into having us for dinner (they would have had their friggin turkey whether or not we were there.)

He is so regimented. We are instructed on exactly what time breakfast would be, etc. etc. etc. Believe me, he would have still put up the same damn decorations, sung the same damn songs and eaten the same damn thing.

Then he says he doesn't want me to leave with "that look on [my] face. " WTH I tell him it was also a lot of effort for us to come in visit.

It was a grueling 12 hour drive and we had to make the trip with a 145 pound statue in the car that my husband had restored as a surprise to them.

Really, so who put in more effort if he wants to split hairs.

Not to mention he is an insufferable bore.

So we packed up and drove 12 hours back in stormy conditions in the middle of the night and arrived here at 2:00 AM (I was so adrenalized I drove for 8 hours straight).

Back in my own cozy home.

Where I can SEE BECAUSE THERE ARE LIGHTS AND WINDOWS WHERE THE BLINDS ARE OPENED and there is no smell of cheap cigarettes from the Dollar Tree.

All of our clothes and luggage sit in the garage to be de-fumigated.

Hey, how was your Christmas??

P.S. Sorry this is so choppy. Just wanted to get it all out there so I can move on with my day/life....

P.P.S. part of my gift from them was a cheap bead necklace - the kind that costs .05 cents - like you would see people wearing at a christmas parade and old codger made a point of saying it was from some fancy area - I had to control myself not to break out laughing. The other part of the gift may very well have been regifted.

P.P.P.S. I almost forgot this part - we sat down and his mom turns on the TV and starts flipping channels. Old Codger hates everything that comes on - so she keeps flipping channels even if someone else had expressed an interest in watching a show. He RULES THE HOUSE. She JUMPS AT HIS COMMAND. Finally we see that The Christmas Story with Ralphie is on- one of my husband's favorite shows. MB is so excited he jumps up to find his glasses but by then Old Codger has decided in his words it is "A STUPID SHOW" (said with accent- stupid = "stupit") - and he insists we must just sit there and watch the channel that has on the ever burning fire place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Mystery Blogging Visitor Revealed

Congrats to all of you who guessed Mocha Dad!!!! ;-) Fred said that he was going to be in my state, which he frequents on business trips. He ended up having LOTS of time to kill since his work finished up sooner than expected (2 days early) and to change flights would have cost $1,100. So, he met me at the gallery and we hung out and had plenty of laughs!

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="369" caption="Note to Self - Only Lighting from Below from Now On"]Photobucket[/caption]

One intelligent thing I remember Joan Rivers saying when she was on The Apprentice, is that the key to looking good is lighting from below and that she always insists on that in her photos. Why did I not think of this when Fred and I posed for this picture with lighting coming from overhead?? My conehead hairdo that day didn't help either :-( OK, so maybe I'm getting a little a lot more vain about looking halfway decent in photos.

There I go making it all about me!!!

Anyway, Fred and I had a great visit and if you are ever in the area, give me a shout via email and we'll meet up (assuming you are not a knife wielding axe murderer), the advantage to me, of course, being that I have some company at work :D

Fred did bring some good luck since someone actually came in while he was there (someone who knew me and had been meaning to stop in) and then no sooner than 5 minutes after he left, a customer came in and purchased something!!!!!!!

It was a hectic day you see ;-)

Merry Christmas to you and your's. I consider you all to be my extended family but without the dysfunction *MUAH* xxoo

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Today is a Big Day!!

I'm always reading about bloggers getting together with their bloggy friends for blogger picnics, conventions, brunches, drum circles, etc, but in the 2 -1/2 years I've been blogging, I have yet to meet in person a fellow blogger.

Until today that is!! Who will it be? Who is stopping by for a visit?? dun dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnn.....

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Let's Play a Game

It's called: What Celebrity Couple Does Your Relationship Most Resemble?

Hmmmm....give it some thought. Right now, I'd have to say Courteney Cox and David Arquette, but when they were still together, and without the sleeping around, funky outfits, botox, lip injections and TMI interviews on The Howard Stern Show.

[caption id="attachment_4117" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="That\'s \"Me\" on the Left"][/caption]

I'm more like Courteney in personality than I'd care to admit. And MB, well, it's Saturday night and he's skating, most likely in his Michael Jackson T, uh, yeah, shades of David Arquette.

And you were expecting something cheerful and holiday-like?? Remember my other alter-ego is Scrooge :D

C'mon, fess up - what celebrity couple are you and your partner most like?

P.S. I apologize for the improper grammar in the title of my previous post.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

In Case You are Not One of the 69,493 People Who Have Already Seen This Video

You know I'm always on the cusp of the next big video discovery ;-)

The original title of this post was "I'm in Serious Danger" -- but I didn't want to alarm anyone especially since the title continued "of ending up like this woman." Anyway, the video is worth a look. It's pretty funny and is based on those old "don't do drugs" videos we had to watch in High School.



To avoid ending up like her, I've decided to take some classes for personal enrichment....more to come on that. Remember the last time I had this crisis I took up the belly dancing. This next class is a lot more mundane, but still, gets me away from the computer a bit and out spending time with a friend.

In other news, I had my first Jimmy John's sub tonight and let me tell you, it was good. VC has been singing Jimmy John's praises for some time and now I know why *sound of the heavens parting*

How is your week going?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

If You are Feeling Overly Upbeat and Want to Bring Down Your Mood

I'm sitting at work today (aka The Morgue) and came across this article about a mom and the birth of her newborn son and her subsequent death played out via Facebook messages. Very sad and touching at the same time.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/special/metro/facebook-story-mothers-joy-familys-sorrow.html

I'm not even going to get into the whole debate about publishing the FB messages.....These are the times we live in and maybe that is how stories are the most relatable - in bursts of short messages...

Monday, December 13, 2010

I'll Have a Salad on Bread, Please

We all know that nobody is reading blogs over the holidays. I like making blanket statements like that so they can be refuted in the comments section. But, it's true, especially blogs that are NOT promising TONS of cool giveaways. You won't find any of those here - sorry folks; so if that's what you were looking for - in the words of David Spade in the stewardess skit on SNL "buh bye." ---Instead, I figured I'd dig from my "drafts" folder.

And not a super awesome post (I'll need to save those for after the holiday - if they exist BWAAAHAAAAHAAAA).

Once a week we go to $3.99 sub day at the local grocery store. The guys at the counter know us the minute we step up to the counter, due in part to my sunny personality (riiiiggghhhht) - the other part is that I like to order a "salad on bread."

Take a look at this photo:

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="432" caption="My, Look at the Size of that Juicy Sandwich at Left"]Photobucket[/caption]

That's VC's puny sandwich on the right. And on the left, why it's my salad on bread. Fully loaded baby!!

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="466" caption="Sandwich Perfection Revealed (at left)"]Photobucket[/caption]

I should clarify that this was on 6" sub special day; the $3.99 special is for the foot longs - any kind - unlike Subway <------ BAH!

If you would like to order this tasty concoction for yourself, here's the ingredients:

(1) Cheese bread
(2) A ton of friggin' lettuce
(3) Extra tomatoes
(4) Olives
(5) Pickles
(6) Pickled Peppers that Peter Pepper Picks
(7) Red Pepper Basil sauce -- that stuff is amazingly delicious
(8) a little mustard and mayo (just a tad)
(9) oil and lots of vinegar
(10) oregano
(11) GAH - I almost forgot the provolone cheese

And to top it off? Baked Lays chips (purchased separately) - layered throughout the sandwich...DELISH!!!

Who's in?

Friday, December 10, 2010

Giving Up the Hook

About 6 months ago a graduate student contacted me and several other bloggers about doing a research study - the psychological kind - about the nature of bloggers. We had to answer a series of questions, one of which was: do you edit your photos so you look better before you post them to your blog? Of course, I answered "no" - because I honestly don't tweak them at all. But one thing I do is crop off my head - as in this case where I was having a bad hair/makeup day.

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="354" caption="A 10 Hour Ruffled Scarf - Skill Level "Easy""]Photobucket[/caption]

I still wanted you to see the scarf I have spent 10 hours working on. I know it does not look like a 10 hour scarf, or even an attractive a scarf for that matter.

Here's the back story (do you have a pillow handy?):

On Tuesday night I was working on my laptop at home. When it was time to pack it up, the battery cord was still plugged in the wall. I glanced over and thought, "I really should pack that now before I forget it - and then said to myself, nah, of course I'll remember it, why make such a Herculean effort now when I can wait and unplug it later."

Well, come Wednesday morning, I arrived at work, set up my laptop and got a sinking feeling when I saw the "low battery, charge now to save your work- hit F1 key" message. I had a loooooooooong day ahead of me. As many of you know, I work at a job where there is very little human contact and I can sit for hours by myself with zero activity. My laptop has been my mental lifesaver at work....

So there I was with two options that I had packed in my bag of tricks:

(1) write Christmas cards or
(2) crochet

The scarf you see was supposed to be a crocheted camisole top to be worn over a tank top. Until I looked at the pattern. Hence, it turned into a scarf.

I started crocheting - realized within the second hour that I was crocheting the scarf incorrectly, but since I was "so far" in - that I'd continue anyway. It was looking similar to the photo even with the incorrect stitching.

I literally crocheted for 7+ hours. Went home to see what VC thought, and then realized the scarf was about 4 feet longer than it was supposed to be. Before you think I'm an ignorant moron (I am) - it is one of those scarfs that is supposed to go down to mid-thigh. Mine practically hit the floor.

There was only one solution, well two really, if you count ripping it out and starting over -- that being to double it up and stitch the scarf together so that it would be twice as thick but 1/2 in length.

Add on another 4 hours doing that - and you arrive at the scarf in the picture.

Which is what led me to this conclusion: I have no business crocheting.

How is your week going?

Monday, December 6, 2010

File This Under "Things That Creep Me Out"

I sure hope it is not a bad omen. In the past two weeks I've come across not one, but two instances of pics of one of these guys:

[caption id="attachment_4028" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="GAHHHHHHH!"][/caption]

photo credit: Ruth Art
Up until 2 weeks ago I had no idea there was such a thing as a Sphynx cat (as I said, I need to get out more). The first instance was when Kat Von D's house burned down with her beloved Sphynx Valentine inside. The picture of her cat was so spooky it could give you nightmares -- and that was before the fire:

[caption id="attachment_4044" align="aligncenter" width="225" caption="Kat Von D's Cat "Valentine""][/caption]

The second instance was on the FB photo page of one of my high school classmates. She was gushing over how awesome her sphynx cats were (and mentioned that they are very valuable moneywise).

While I'm still in the market for something cute and cuddly, a sphyx cat does not qualify. Not by a long shot....

Sincere apologies to all the sphynx cat lovers out there...

What pets totally creep you out???

HA! I Love That Someone Has Finally Picked Up on the Absurdity of this Video

Speaking of creepy things (see previous post), as soon as I heard that a 'creepy video' about a hand model had gone viral, I knew that my TV viewing had finally come full circle, as I had watched the original clip on CBS Sunday Morning two years ago. Remember, my TV viewing is like that of an 85 year old....

Ahead of my time. That's me. Check it out in all it's creepiness:



If it wasn't for my huge bony knuckles, I'd get a job as a hand model so I could avoid housework and cooking!!! I could caress and coo over my hands all day....Sadly, it is not meant to be.

Would your hands qualify you to be a lazy hand model?

Friday, December 3, 2010

LA LA LA LA LA LA LA NOBODY LISTENS TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I swear my head is going to explode one of these days. Every time I think of giving up this loser of a blog (no need to boost up my ego in that regard ;-) ) I come to the conclusion that nobody in real life listens to me so I need to keep this going to maintain my sanity.

I may not be a rocket scientist, but I do have some insightful ideas here and there that might benefit those that I know in real life but they DO NOT LISTEN.

Last night was a good example, and while I can't go into details, let's just say that I tried my best over the past few weeks to alter the outcome but my insightfulness fell on deaf ears, and the exact outcome I predicted came true. I am so frustrated!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and here's my crocheted hat and scarf.

My Crocheted Hat and Scarf

Note to self: cut back on excessive moisturizing.

How is your week going????

P.S. I do not have a mustache unlike how it may appear in the photo.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Reason No. 201 Why I Need to Get a Life

I was stunned; STUNNED I tell you, yesterday when I heard about the "shakeup" at the CBS Early Show, especially that my beloved weatherman crush, the always affable, if not a bit dorky (in a good way) Dave Price, is being replaced!!!!!

(Darn, I wanted to link to a post I did about him 2 years ago, but I guess it must have been on my previous blog and is now gone forever...)

[caption id="attachment_3980" align="aligncenter" width="240" caption="My Weatherman Crush"][/caption]

In conducting the extensive research that I normally do for all my posts ;-) I noticed that TMZ once compared him to Milhouse from The Simpsons (turds! it is kinda funny though)

[caption id="attachment_3981" align="aligncenter" width="124" caption="Milhouse from The Simpsons"][/caption]

Bottom line is that Dave Price never fails to amuse me in the morning when I am grumpily working out on the elliptical. I love his zaniness and that he is rough around the edges unlike other uber polished weathermen *cough* Sam Champion *cough.*

I was sad when I learned that Dave, like me, did not go to his prom - and was rooting for him to get a girlfriend when you could tell he desperately wanted one - only to have a broken engagement with the dentist - but then happy again when he got married this year.

He reminds me of a little puppy dog that needs love.

Good God - Have I gone mad!!!!! I hope Dave doesn't come across this post and think I am a wacko stalker.

Oh, and Harry Smith and Maggie Rodriguez are "out" too - replaced by this shiny new bunch-- BOOOOORING - and are they all born the same year??????

[caption id="attachment_3977" align="aligncenter" width="390" caption="How Dare They Replace Dave!!!!"][/caption]

Looks like your generic news broadcast team. I thought Harry Smith was a lot of fun too and added the "wise old man" who has a crush on Jennifer Aniston perspective. While Chris Wragge (the blond) is good at what he does anchoring their weekend show, he reminds me a bit of a "slickmeister." Dave has been replaced by Marysol (on the right).

I like how the ladies have their feet posed Just So.

Do I need to get out more? Or continue to crochet to soothe my nerves?? Notice my crochet "reveal" has been usurped by this Breaking News!!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------
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P.S. I know many of you probably zone out (admit it!) when I do these TV posts especially if you have no idea who/what I am talking about. I'll try to space 'em out in the future because you guys are fab.
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