Sunday, December 26, 2010

I Don't Suffer Old Fools Gladly (the story of Christmas 2010)

The scene: dimly lit, smokefilled house from cheap cigarettes (the brown kind). It is so dark in most rooms that turning a light on is barely noticeable.

All doors must be closed at all times - this includes every interior door - and there are sometimes multiple doors to one room. Don't forget or he will follow closely behind you to shut them.

The hosts: two eighty year olds

The food: old style German - lots of lard

The decor: family trees adorn a multitude of items; knick knacks everywhere

The mood - walking on eggshells

The conversation - like being interrogated

The Technology - none; no cell phones, no computer no wi-fi signal <---- GAH!!!!

Amount of days I lasted: one and a half - after giving it a good try.

The grumpy old fool was apparently annoyed that I came home five minutes late after a walk that I had never taken (it was a big loop 3-1/2 miles) - VC and I set off and his legs got tired so he sat down for a few minutes. We arrived 5 minutes late for dinner.

The old fool who had been getting annoyed over just about everything up to that point, despite there being nothing to do but sit in smoke and listen to old stories - and songs sung in the language of his mother land -

said to me as I began eating: "you should have walked earlier. Me, it was fine (thinking he meant that earlier it would have been a more pleasant temperature) - Him, visibly pissed, "It was NOT FINE. YOU WERE LATE." Me, we got back at two. Him - it was 2:10 (it was not that late) -

I get up from the table saying "I'm done" -

I hang out in my room reading magazines and then MB decides maybe it might be a good idea to leave early and it would be a good excuse to get the hell out of there - since a winter storm is predicted- so we start packing up.

Old Codger follows me out the car to berate me some more: "You didn't realize what time you would be home." Me, "it was impossible to calculate how long A WALK I HAVE NEVER TAKEN WOULD TAKE." Him,"You couldn't call - you couldn't check the time? " Me, "no, I did not have a watch or a phone on me as I was walking" Him, "Well then you should have ASKED before you left." Then he goes on to say how much work they put into having us for dinner (they would have had their friggin turkey whether or not we were there.)

He is so regimented. We are instructed on exactly what time breakfast would be, etc. etc. etc. Believe me, he would have still put up the same damn decorations, sung the same damn songs and eaten the same damn thing.

Then he says he doesn't want me to leave with "that look on [my] face. " WTH I tell him it was also a lot of effort for us to come in visit.

It was a grueling 12 hour drive and we had to make the trip with a 145 pound statue in the car that my husband had restored as a surprise to them.

Really, so who put in more effort if he wants to split hairs.

Not to mention he is an insufferable bore.

So we packed up and drove 12 hours back in stormy conditions in the middle of the night and arrived here at 2:00 AM (I was so adrenalized I drove for 8 hours straight).

Back in my own cozy home.

Where I can SEE BECAUSE THERE ARE LIGHTS AND WINDOWS WHERE THE BLINDS ARE OPENED and there is no smell of cheap cigarettes from the Dollar Tree.

All of our clothes and luggage sit in the garage to be de-fumigated.

Hey, how was your Christmas??

P.S. Sorry this is so choppy. Just wanted to get it all out there so I can move on with my day/life....

P.P.S. part of my gift from them was a cheap bead necklace - the kind that costs .05 cents - like you would see people wearing at a christmas parade and old codger made a point of saying it was from some fancy area - I had to control myself not to break out laughing. The other part of the gift may very well have been regifted.

P.P.P.S. I almost forgot this part - we sat down and his mom turns on the TV and starts flipping channels. Old Codger hates everything that comes on - so she keeps flipping channels even if someone else had expressed an interest in watching a show. He RULES THE HOUSE. She JUMPS AT HIS COMMAND. Finally we see that The Christmas Story with Ralphie is on- one of my husband's favorite shows. MB is so excited he jumps up to find his glasses but by then Old Codger has decided in his words it is "A STUPID SHOW" (said with accent- stupid = "stupit") - and he insists we must just sit there and watch the channel that has on the ever burning fire place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No comments:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...